I Make a Terrible Single Mom
I was taking a walk this morning and reflecting on many wonderful things happening in my life, and I had the thought that I make a terrible single mom.
It’s not that I’m bad to my kids or or that I’m a bad mom.
It’s that I’m flabbergasted by role of being a single mom. I don’t know how to do it all by myself.
As I walked along, I thought about how overwhelmed I get, about how I always look to the invisible partner next to me for support, about how I always seem slightly undone by the fact that I’m alone. I feel scattered and crazy behind in my to-do list. I feel like I’m always running to catch up. My thoughts went from sunny springtime smiles to dark stormy frowns.
And yet none of this made sense.
In reality, I run my household pretty well as a single mom. For the most part, I get people where they need to be. The kids are not dirty and naked because I couldn’t get around to getting them clothes. They have everything they need and a lot of what they dream about. Sure, I’m busy and I don’t hand in forms to my daughter’s school on time, but who does? And so what I told the vet the dog had been sick for 6 weeks but when I looked at my calender it had actually been 3 months (did I let it go that long??)
And I have great support. Cathy would do anything for me. Dominica and Mary are my constant cheering squad. My father and Bonnie have been unfailingly supportive. I have lots of people who believe in me.
In other words, while I would love to have a partner, while I would love to have someone who loves me intimately and who supports me and the kids, and who actually helps me in the day to day workings of a household–I don’t need that person.
Habitual Negative Thinking
Why do I think I make a terrible single mom when I’m actually doing OK?
I have the habit of thinking those negative thoughts. I think I need a partner.
I think that I need the support. I think that I need the love. I think I need the help. I think that without it, I’m overwhelmed and barely keeping up and that I’m doing a terrible job.
I’m sure you won’t find this remarkable, but every time I have those thoughts, I become overwhelmed and can barely keep up.
Even though I have a lot of evidence that I’m actually doing fine, my mind defaults to this habitual negative thinking.
True Leaders Train their Minds
Habitual thinking, and especially negative thinking can be the end of any progress we make in our life or in our business. If we want to be true leaders, to really help the people we serve, we must be very aware of habitual thinking. It is rarely accurate and usually serves to undermine what we are doing.
The first step to correcting your habitual and negative thoughts is to become conscious of when you think them. Notice what your default story is–what do you tell yourself every time something happens. When I feel challenged about the many details of running my family, I automatically think, “Julia, you’re bad at being single. Other single mothers handle all of these details with much more grace. Other single moms get so much more done than you. Other single moms don’t have a son who has needed a haircut for 2 months. If you had someone who loved and helped you, you’d be Ok. Your son would have short hair. But instead, you’re barely keeping up.”
The second step is to notice how these thoughts make you feel. In my case, I feel overwhelmed and I screech to a halt. Since the reality is that I’m a single mom, having these thoughts doesn’t solve anything. My son’s hair is still too long. They aren’t constructive. I start to frown and I feel tense.
Next, ask yourself if these thoughts serve any purpose. Does feeling bad and overwhelmed do anything to correct what you’re worrying about? I certainly don’t get less overwhelmed by thinking about how bad I am at something.
Finally (and this step is a doozie), acknowledge your habitual thoughts and then let them go. Don’t focus on them; don’t promote them. Just like you would do with a whiney child, you hear them but don’t play into them.
This last step takes discipline and practice but it is truly the key to moving beyond them.
I have been challenging myself to move past my habitual thinking. This morning, I had those thoughts and then put them aside. I kept walking and in a few minutes, I was sunny and accomplished again. In a short time, I didn’t feel overwhelmed and I realized that I’m a lucky woman and that I am doing just fine.
Habitual thinking happens all day long. When you run your business, you will have thoughts which are not constructive and which can bring you down–it’s the human condition. The real question is what you do with those thoughts.
To be a true leader, you must learn to manage your habitual thinking. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones, and learn to let negative thoughts pass with no impact.
I get overwhelmed and it is hard to manage a modern family on my own. But I’m not a terrible single mom.